Harry Potter, a parody
by Demented Insane Spirit
Summary: A parody of Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone, featuring the YGO cast.
1. Chapter 1

DIS: Hehehe...I got this idea some couple months ago. This is only my second parody, so let's see how I do, eh? Please read below and enjoy!

X

_Title: Harry Potter, a parody_

_Rating: M for language and mild sexual content_

_Genre: Parody/Humor_

_Summary: A parody of Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone, featuring the YGO cast. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor do I own YuGiOh. Major bummer, man. _

_Notes/Warnings: Umm...Let's see...Bad language and minor bashing of Harry Potter just because he's such a complete idiot._

_The Characters:_

_Yuugi Mutou: Harry Potter_

_Anzu Mazaki: Hermione Granger_

_Jounouchi Katsuya: Ron Weasley_

_Seto Kaiba: Severus Snape (but so much cuter!)_

_Bakura Ryou: Draco Malfoy_

_Malik and Marik Ishtar: Crabbe and Goyle_

_Ryou Bakura: Neville Longbottom_

_Yami Mutou: Dumbledore_

_Mai Kujaku: Professor McGonnagall_

_Honda Hiroto: Professor Quirrel/Voldemort_

_Otogi Ryuuji (or however it's spelled): Hagrid_

_Shizuka Katsuya: Aunt Petunia_

_Mokuba Kaiba: Dudley Dursley_

_Rex Raptor: Uncle Vernon_

X

_Harry Potter, a parody_

Yuugi Mutou was an extraordinary kid. No, actually, he really wasn't, but he wanted to think so...only because his life sucked. Anyway...he heard pounding at the door and a high-pitched voice, "YUUGI MUTOU! YUUGI, GET UP! GET UP OR THE SPIDERS WILL GET YOU!" And then, a second later, he heard thumping above him. Mokuba was trying to wake him up...Maybe. He got up and saw Mokuba roll down the stairs and slam into the door. "Mokuba!" Shizuka screeched, hurrying over to him. "What have I told you about having sugar before breakfast?" Mokuba snickered, shaking from the sugar.

"ME NO KNOW, ME WANT – WANT...SUUUGGARRR! GYAHAHAHAHA!" Shizuka winced as he did cartwheels to the kitchen. She turned to Yuugi and stared at him, before sighing and shaking her head, walking away. He heard her mutter, "What went wrong?" Yuugi sweat dropped and thought, _Uh, everything maybe? _

With a sigh, Yuugi went in the kitchen. Mokuba's presents were stacked high. _Thirty-five, _Yuugi counted. _He got thirty-six last year. _

"HEHEHEHE," Mokuba snickered, going to his presents. He counted them cheerfully, before realizing there was only thirty-five. "Father, mother," he said calmly, turning to them. "It is one less than last year. What have I said about not giving me at least one more present than last year?" Rex glared at him.

"What the hell are you talking about?" He growled. "Boy, I should whip you with a horse whip! DON'T GIVE _ME_ A TONGUE-LASHING!" Under his breath, he muttered, "Spoiled brat." Mokuba gawked at him, then started bawling. Shizuka sighed and went to him, patting him on the back.

"There, there," Shizuka soothed.

"(-.-) Oh shut up, you little brat," Rex snapped. "We'll...go to the zoo or something." Mokuba cried harder because Rex called him a brat, then he cheered, "Yay! The zoo!" He sent a look towards Yuugi, who sighed, knowing what was about to come.

"What about him?" He'll ruin my birthday!" Mokuba whined.

"I'm gonna ruin you here in a minute," Rex muttered, before clearing his throat and saying, "So long as the orphan doesn't do any funny stuff, then I guess we'll be fine."

"...WAHH!"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP?" Rex roared, shooting to his feet, which really wasn't intimidating as he was extremely short. The only tall person in the room was Shizuka.

"WAHHH!!!"

_Why can't I have a normal life? _Yuugi thought, sighing as Rex threw up his hands and started shouting profanities.

X

Well, they went to the zoo and Yuugi stood by a snake after Mokuba had dismissed it as boring. Yuugi stared at the snake, then asked, "You're not boring, are you? Just lonely. So am I."

"Why don't you go get a friend, you loser?" The snake snapped at him.

"(OO) You just spoke!...That was mean."

"Shut up, already. God, I get enough of the other crap. People banging on my glass, women making googly eyes at me. Not to mention, I haven't been near a female snake my whole life, but I _do_ know about the reproductive system and dammit, I want some!"

"(-.-) Uh huh."

"Anyway..." The snake sighed, raising it's head. "Why the hell are you talking to me? You're making a fool of yourself. Ugh. No wonder you don't have any friends."

"You're not a very nice snake."

"Yeah? You're a pretty ugly human!"

"(;o;) That's mean!"

"Don't start crying! I hate whining brats!"

"But – "

"LOOK, MOM, DAD! THE SNAKE'S DOIN' SOMETHING!" Mokuba screeched suddenly.

"I hope it castrates you," Rex sneered.

"Now, be nice," Shizuka told her husband, who rolled his eyes.

"I only had a kid with you because I had no choice! Damn Mako Tsunami and that bug boy. I can't believe I lost that bet and had to marry _their_ fiancé! A stupid one, too."

"You realize I can hear you, right?"

"No duh."

"(--)"

"There goes the snake...There goes our son...There goes future insanity," Rex remarked with a grin.

"Mokuba! DO something, Rex!"

"Fine, fine." Rex went to Yuugi and slapped him.

"OW! What was that for?" Yuugi asked.

"God, you're so annoying," Rex grouched. "Shut up and be a man!"

"...You're mean! Just like that snake!"

"Oh, for God sakes, don't make me kill you!"

"(sniff)...Meany."

X

After the snake incident, Rex was in a foul mood for the rest of the day, along with Mokuba, who cried most of the day. Yuugi was thankful he got locked in his closet. He didn't want to deal with his family right now. The next day, when he got the mail, he realized there was a letter for him. _...S-someone realizes I exist! _He thought in bliss. _Oh, this is the best day of my life!_ He went in the kitchen and threw the mail on the table, making Rex give a sound of protest. Mokuba frowned and then crowed, "He's got a letter, dad!"

"(-.-) Pff. Yeah right. It's probably addressed 'To whom it may concern,' hehehe," Rex remarked with a smirk. Yuugi flinched.

"_No_," Yuugi answered. "It's addressed to Mr. Yuugi Mutou – " Rex snorted 'Mister' underneath his breath " – The Cupboard under the stairs, 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey."

"(o.o)...I never knew you had a stalker," Mokuba said. Rex grabbed the letter from Yuugi.

"Watch carefully Yuugi," Rex advised and then tore up the letter in an instant.

"(OoO) M-my letter! SOMEONE WAS ACTUALLY ADMITTING THEY KNEW I EXISTED! NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"

"Why do people have the idea that I care?" Rex asked himself. "Do they never learn?"

X

The letters continued to come, but Rex either tore them up or burned them. He had boarded the mail slot, but still, the letters came. At last, on Sunday, Rex was relaxing in the drawing room. Yuugi was sulking, serving cookies. "No damn letters today," Rex told his family. "Not one, damn – " A letter hit him in the face, before thousands exploded from the chimney. Yuugi hastily grabbed one and ran for it. "DAMN IT, THINGS NEVER USED TO BE THIS WAY UNTIL _HE _CAME!" Rex charged after him and was able to get the letter.

X

Three days later, Yuugi found himself in a dingy house in the middle of nowhere – in the middle of the sea, actually. He sighed. _It's my birthday. No one cares. I'm hungry and I hate the people I live with. Man, my life sounds like a drama TV series or something. _He sighed again and turned on his back, murmuring, "Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear Yuuuuggiiii, happy birthday to me! Whoopee!"

"SHUT UP!" Rex roared from above. Yuugi pouted and sniffed, turning back on his stomach, his lip stuck out, his eyes huge in a perfect imitation of a puppy dog look. For the next ten minutes, he drew on the dirt on the floor, humming underneath his breath. Then, he glanced at the clock at eleven fifty nine and counted down the seconds until it would, officially, be his birthday.

Thirty...twenty...ten...(_Maybe I should go run around the house to annoy Rex?_ Yuugi thought. _I should do something adventurous on my birthday, after all.)_...nine...eight...seven...(_Or should I pee on the wall and make a message? Hehehe, that would be funny! Oh, wait, it'd dry up...)_...six...five...four...three...(_Okay, I think I'll go upstairs and jump on Rex's bed to make him angry. That'll be fun!_)...two...one!

As soon as the clock struck midnight, he heard some disco music from outside the dingy house. He blinked and sat up, staring at the door in fright. The music became loud and suddenly someone shot the door down. Yuugi jumped to his feet, frightened. Then, a figure was formed in the doorway and the disco music was blaring in the house.

_Shika-boo baby, shika-boo baby, yeah, yeah!_

"(sweat drop) Um...?" Yuugi watched as the male started to dance to the music, doing a lot of seventies dance moves. Then, at the end of the song, he did the splits, stretching his arms up in the air. "(oO) Hello?"

"Hey!" The man pointed at Yuugi. "I wouldn't mistake that bizarre hairdo for just anyone! After all," he continued with a matter-of-fact tone, "only the Big Bad Fag, You-Know-Who would leave _that_ kind of mark on the famous Yuugi Mutou!" Yuugi started to bawl. "(OO) Did I say something wrong? Oh, no, the Headmaster's going to be so pissed when he realizes I made the dweeb cry! Hey, there, don't cry...Here, I'll cheer you up!" He came dancing over to Yuugi with a cake. "See?"

"Oh, that's – "

SPLAT.

"...nice..." Yuugi ended after the man crushed the cake into his face. He wiped it off and started sniffling again.

"Aw, shit. Listen, kid, just shut up. My name's Ryuuji Otogi, but just call me Otogi, okay? Most people can't pronounce my first name. Instead they say, like, Rugee, or Yogi – where the HELL do they get that stupid bear's name out of Ryuuji?" He shook his head, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, yeah. I'm the gamekeeper at Hogwarts."

"At who?"

"(--) Hogwarts, kid. What are you, stupid? School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?"

"No way! So _that's_ why they invented Halloween!"

"Uh...no..."

"Oh. Darn."

"YOU STUPID MUTOU KID!" Rex boomed, storming downstairs. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING NOW?"

"Yeah!" Mokuba whined, rubbing his eyes. "I was having a good dream! I was killing you with a steak knife!"

Otogi and Yuugi stared at him: (OO...)

"What the - ? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" Rex demanded, pointing at Otogi.

"Listen, buddy," Otogi said, flipping some hair out of his face. "Don't hate me cos I'm cute."

"(--) You got that off a bumper sticker."

"Yeah, so? It applies to no one but me."

"Right." He eyed Otogi's tight, leather pants and his tight shirt and the vest that went over it. He looked at the jewelry Otogi was wearing and appeared a bit disgusted. "Okay, you disturbed the peace and you got what you want so leave."

"I just got here!" Otogi snapped. "Jesus Christ, why is it so cold in here?"

"(OO) Don't say His name in vain!" Shizuka gasped. Otogi frowned, eyed Shizuka, and sighed.

"Cute, but obviously stupid." He turned to the fireplace and brought out a wand with a CD and dice hanging off it out of his pocket. "This thing is _so_ uncomfortable when you sit down," he told them conversationally and then lit a fire with it. Mokuba's jaw dropped. "Anyway! Here, star-head – I mean, Yuugi." Otogi handed Yuugi a letter and Yuugi took it, eagerly ripping it open. His face dropped. "What? WHAT? Were you expecting to win the frickin' lottery or something?"

"I thought it was from my parents."

"You moron! They're dead!"

"So?"

"DEAD PEOPLE CAN'T WRITE!"

"...Yeah...But what if they were resurrected?" Yuugi queried, a hopeful expression on his face.

"God, you're dumb," Rex muttered. "I wish I'd killed you sooner."

"Me too!" Mokuba chirped.

"I'm beginning to wonder if he's as important as they say," Otogi muttered. "Listen, kid, you're coming to Hogwarts and that's that."

"Um...What's Hogwarts?" Yuugi asked in an innocent way. Otogi's jaw dropped.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

"Well, what is it?"

"A school for wizards! You're a wizard! Your frickin' parents were wizards! HELLO? ANYONE HOME?"

"Sure," Yuugi answered. "There's me, my cousin, my aunt, and uncle that are home."

"...Yuugi..." Otogi sighed. "Okay, you know what? Let's just get this over with, okay?"

"Get what over with?" Otogi ignored him, turning to his aunt and uncle.

"Didn't you two tell him about his parents?"

"Um...Who?" Shizuka asked, blinking, feigning idiocy. "What? Where _am_ I?" She looked around, a perfect imitation of being confused.

(--)

"You really married her?" Otogi questioned Rex.

"(-.-) I lost a bet," Rex grumbled.

"So let me get this straight, you guys didn't tell him about _our_ world?"

"What world are we talking about again?" Yuugi intercepted. "Ooh, are you an alien from outer space? Ooh, I've never been on another planet!"

"Would you shut up?" Rex barked at him. "And anyway, what's-your-name – "

"Ryuuji Otogi," Otogi interrupted.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever Yogi," Rex said dismissively, making Otogi's eye twitch. "Like I was saying, when Shizuka and I brought in that freak of nature, we promised to raise him the _normal_ way, the _good_ way. The way where we don't have a goddamn fag prancing around the house, waving a wand and spurting out ridiculous nonsense that sounds like gibberish."

"(-.-)..."

"You knew?" Yuugi whimpered, staring at his aunt and uncle tearfully.

"Of course we knew!" Rex snapped. "For God sakes, Shizuka's sister was the same thing."

"My parents were so proud," Shizuka sighed sadly. "She was so nice before she became a freak. Wearing those weird robe things and waving a stick like she was important. Stupid sister of mine. Then she met her just as stupid husband and then she got herself blown up!"

"BLOWN UP?" Yuugi shrilled. "B-but you said...a car crash...and..."

"Retarded though they were," Otogi said with a sigh, "nothing could have killed them that easily."

"Wow," Yuugi whispered.

"Yeah, so you're pretty famous. But boy are people going to be disappointed to see what a loser you are!"

"You're mean!"

"Nah."

"...Okay." Otogi rolled his eyes.

"He isn't going!" Rex snapped.

"What are you gonna do about it, Muggle?"

"Huh?" Yuugi said.

"Muggle is a non-magic person. Like shorty over there."

"YOU WANNA START SOMETHING, FAG BOY? BRING IT ON!"

"YEAH, I DO WANNA START SOMETHING!" Otogi snapped back

"COME ON THEN!"

"YEAH COME ON!"

"COME ON!"

"Can we go now?" Yuugi asked.

"...I was gonna intimidate him to death, but okay."

"Shizuka!" Rex snarled, turning to his wife. "Get your nephew back!"

"Who?" Shizuka asked, blinking.

"(-.-) Aw, screw it."

X

The next day, Yuugi was left to get his wand. He was bemused by everything he had learned. The man named...What was his name? Well, Yuugi, being his idiotic self, couldn't remember the name of the guy that had killed his parents, but he knew he was bad! And, he knew that his nickname was You-Know-Who or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Geez, you'd think they'd figure out something less elaborate. Yuugi decided HWMNBN would do just fine.

"Hi!" A crazy old man came zooming up to Yuugi, his eyes bulging. His name was Sugoroku. "I love money, I love women, and I love to rape and abuse little boys! Ooh, you're Yuugi Mutou! I knew you would be coming in!" He gave a shit-eating grin. "Lucky you! Since I don't like your hair, I won't rape you! Okay, okay...You need a wand, right?"

"Yeah."

"Great! Let's see...Try this one." He handed a wand to Yuugi, who took it and posed as a ballerina and started dancing around, flicking it, making things get set on fire. "Hey, stop! Stop! STOP I SAID!" Yuugi tripped and fell down. Sugoroku snatched the wand from him, glaring. "Alright...Try _this_ one." Yuugi took it and gallantly waved it, making wand boxes shoot out everywhere, knocking Sugoroku in the head, and some breaking through the window. "Uh, no. No, no." He got a different one and this time he carefully gave it to Yuugi. Yuugi took it a bright light came on behind him and music played. Sugoroku looked around in surprise, saying, "Whooaa."

"Should I wave it?"

"Nah, that music means its all good. Ya know, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has a wand just like that with the same phoenix feather."

"...Why don't you just say HWMNBN?" Yuugi asked with a tired sigh.

"Oh, you know us wizard folks," Sugoroku said dismissively. "Always gotta be a nuisance."

"(o.o) Um, yeah...Can I leave?"

"Sure!"

X

DIS: There's the first chapter! This will be fairly short, so yeah. Please leave a review on your way out. Ciao!


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter Two!_

After Yuugi had got all his supplies and the days passed, Otogi left him with a ticket to platform nine-and-three-quarters at the train station. His owl that Otogi had bought him was twittering madly. He looked dubiously at the owl and it coughed up a bird feather. It glanced at him as though asking, "What are you looking at?" Yuugi had named it Jo.

"Excuse me?" Yuugi asked one of the station men. "Where is platform nine-and-three-quarters?"

"Did you escape the mental ward, boy? There's no such thing!" And then the man stomped off.

_Oh, boy..._Yuugi thought, licking his lips. _This can't be good. _

"...Muggles here, Muggles there, where AREN'T they?" A voice snapped. Yuugi eagerly looked around and saw a sluggish group moving towards a wall. Yuugi ran towards them and followed behind. There were two twins, Espa and Roba. Technically, they were both called Espa Roba, but to make it easier, each one was given one half of the same name. The woman ushered them towards the wall and Yuugi's jaw dropped as they went right through.

"Excuse me!" He gasped, hurrying forward. The woman eyed him. "I'm, um, new?"

"Oh, so is Jounouchi, my son." She pointed to a tall, lazy male who waved noncommittally towards him. "All you do is run straight into the wall."

"(OO) Really?"

"Yeah."

"...Okay." So, he ran and went through and almost crashed into another person.

"WATCH IT!" He snapped and Yuugi winced.

"Meany," he muttered with a sniff, heading to the train. He found a seat and then Jounouchi came sauntering in, looking apologetic.

"You mind?"

"Nope!" Yuugi chirped. Jou put his things up and settled on a seat across from him, smiling dopily. "Um...So..."

"I'm Jounouchi Katsuya," Jou introduced. "You?"

"Yuugi Mutou."

"Should've guessed with dat piece of crap hairdo."

"..."

"Oh, da trolley's comin' around," Jou remarked as an old lady with a trolley of food came by.

"You want something?" Yuugi asked.

"Nah, I, uh, got something..."

"...You don't, do you?"

"Nope." When the lady came up, Yuugi bought a large majority of it and they ate most of it, though Yuugi felt sick when he had to eat the frog. Then, a girl came bounding in and Yuugi stared at her, shocked. Jou raised his eyebrows at Yuugi, then looked at Anzu Mazaki.

"Have you seen an ugly toad?" Anzu asked.

"No, but I bet I could see up your skirt if you let me," Jou chirped cheerfully. She glared at him in warning. He snickered.

"Perv." She looked at Yuugi and brightened. "Say, you're Yuugi Mutou, huh? I'm Anzu Mazaki!" She held out her hand and Yuugi hugged it, making her blink.

"You're beautiful is what you are!" He cried jubilantly.

"(o.o) Oh...Well...Thanks." She shook him off and cleared her throat. "Anyway, I could tell by your hair. That is, after all, the mark He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named put on you."

_There's that long, elaborate name again, _Yuugi thought, exhausted by it. "Yeah...Sure." Yuugi answered her, rubbing the back of his head.

"Anyway, I gotta go. Ryou's been looking _everywhere_ for his toad. He can't lose it or his grandmother's going to probe him up the butt with her wand."

(OO)

"By the way," Anzu said, turning to Jou, "you're face is smeared with chocolate."

"(oO) Really? It doesn't feel like it."

"(--) Well it is." She then left their compartment. Jou shuddered.

"I'd never wanna be probed!"

"Me neither," Yuugi agreed, actually not having a clue what that meant, so he was smiling like a ditz. Jou eyed him, but didn't say anything. In a way, their stupidity was on the same level.

When they fell silent, chewing on the treats, Yuugi inwardly rehearsed what he would say to Anzu Mazaki the next time he spoke to her.

"Hello, Anzu," Yuugi said in a charming voice that was quite unlike his own.

"_Oh...Yuugi. Hello." She blushed, turning from him. "I wasn't expecting to see you."_

"_I know," he said, smiling. He took her hand. "I've never met a woman like you, Anzu."_

"_Oh, Yuugi!" She giggled. _

"Yuugi?" Jou's voice broke his thoughts and he blinked, looking at him. "You gonna eat dat?" He pointed to the Chocolate Frog.

"Oh. No." Just after he said, Anzu came back in.

"Hi," she greeted.

"Hi," Jou answered.

"I love you!" Yuugi cried. _Curses._

"(oO) Uh...Right...I just thought I might tell you guys that you had probably better get into your robes. We're almost at Hogwarts."

"Whateva, girly. I'll do it later."

"(--) Fine, blondie."

"HEY!" Jou leapt to his feet as she left. "I RESENT DOSE KIND OF REMARKS!"

(Pause)

"Women!" Jou huffed, dropping onto the seat. Yuugi sweat dropped.

X

The train stopped and the students filed out. Jou stumbled out, stuffing his arms through his robes. Anzu came to walk with them and sighed, saying, "I _told_ you to do it sooner, Jounouchi."

"Aw, gimme a break, Mazaki!" He grumbled, fixing his robes. "I was finishing off da treats."

"HEY TWERPS!" A familiar voice snapped above the hubbub. "ALL OF YOU NEWCOMERS GET YOUR MIDGET BUTTS OVER HERE!"

(-.-)...

"Um, let's go," Yuugi said awkwardly.

"Oh, wait! Ryou! Over here!" Anzu called. Ryou Bakura stumbled over to them, looking paler than normal.

"I think I'm going to be sick," he muttered. "So many bloody people shoving and pushing in on me! Ugh." The three sweat dropped.

"Let's go, buddy," Jounouchi said, grabbing the collar of his robes and dragging him off. "Jounouchi Katsuya," he introduced. "And dat dere is Yuugi Mutou."

"_Mutou?_" Ryou sputtered. "No wonder he looks a bit odd."

"(sniff) I'm not odd..." Yuugi muttered tearfully. Ryou ignored him, turning back to Jounouchi.

"I'm Ryou Bakura," he said as Jou released him. "And I killed my toad on accident." Horror was clear on his face.

"(OO) How did you kill it, Ryou?" Anzu gasped.

"(o.o) He was on the seat and I sat on him and didn't notice it for awhile..."

"Oh no!"

"Yes...I don't want to go home now."

"Don't worry, Ryou, we'll figure something out." He nodded in reply, sickly pale. They all went to Otogi, who led them to a large lake and were herded into boats, taken to Hogwarts. Otogi led them up to the doors of Hogwarts and started banging on the doors rapidly. The newcomers to Hogwarts sweat dropped.

"IDIOTS! LET US IN ALREADY! LET US – _Hello_." The doors had swung open and his hands had landed on a lush bosom. "Er, Professor Kujaku." Otogi leered and she elbowed him in the face. "Ow!"

"Are these all of them?" She asked, eyeing them. Jou gawked at the blonde haired professor. Her curls tumbled over her shoulders and around her face, her hat shadowing some of her face. However, despite that, each and every one of them knew she was beautiful – well, the men anyway. Jou and Yuugi drooled over her, while Ryou sulked over his toad and Anzu eyed her suspiciously – and then smacked the two over their heads for ogling her. "Follow me then!"

X

"Man, dis is going on _forever_," Jou groaned as the stupid Sorting Hat announced who was going where.

"Well," a voice sneered, "I suppose you and midget Mutou there are probably aching to eat." They glanced at their newfound enemy, Bakura and his two pals, Malik and Marik. Despite their nasty attitudes, the women absolutely adored them. Even Anzu had admitted that they were hot. It didn't help when Malik Ishtar was flirting with her.

"I hate dem," Jou grumbled. Jou, Ryou, and Anzu were put in Gryffindor, Bakura, Malik, and Marik in Slytherin and now there was Yuugi, who had just been announced.

Hmm, where should I put you? Hufflepuff or Gryffindor? 

"(oO) Why Hufflepuff?"

(--) Because you're a crybaby, why else? Not only that, you're a pansy ass! Shit, why am I even debating? You should be in Hufflepuff for Christ's sake!

"(OO) No! Put me in Gryffindor! Please! Please!"

Stop whining, baby. You're going to Hufflepuff.

"NOO!" Yuugi then burst into tears in front of the entire school, but he didn't really care that he was most likely going to get beat up.

SHUT UP! 

Yuugi cried harder.

SON OF A BITCH YOU'RE ANNOYING, NOW SHUT UP! 

Yuugi bawled.

FINE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT, I'LL PUT YOU IN GRYFFINDOR! 

Yuugi smiled for a second, then cried again for being called a piece of shit.

"Gryffindor!" The Hat called out.

X

Yuugi enjoyed his new life to the fullest. He was friends with an absolutely beautiful woman named Anzu Mazaki and then he had Ryou and Jou, too. Life was good. Well, he thought it was until he did Double Potions. Bakura sneered at him and the Potions teacher, Professor Seto Kaiba, came stalking in. "Alright," Kaiba sighed in a clearly irritated voice. "Let's get one thing straight." He moved along the tables. "I hate you, you hate me, period." He glanced down to see Anzu smiling at him like she did to everyone. "...Well, I hate the majority of you." He swiftly went to the front of the class and glared at Yuugi, who looked like he was in a different world. "Yuugi Mutou!" He snapped, making Yuugi jump. "What in the world is your problem?"

"(o.o) You know, I'm not really sure. I think I might have been abused when I was a child!" Yuugi admitted.

"(-.-)...How the hell are you a celebrity? You look weird, you're an idiot – how many more things are wrong with you?" Yuugi sniffled and then counted something on his finger.

"Four," he announced, holding up three fingers. Kaiba slapped his forehead, his wand in hand.

"Just shut up, Mutou, or I'll be compelled to hurt you."

"(OO) Hurt me?"

"...Or dislike you very, very much."

"Oh, boo-hoo-hoo..." Yuugi sobbed, not even faking it. Kaiba glared at him as Bakura, Malik, and Marik held onto each other, shaking with laughter.

_I'll ignore him and focus on someone else to amuse myself with. _He glanced to the person beside Yuugi...who was Anzu...who smiled at him. A slow smirk curled his lips upward. _Perfect. _"Let's get started," he drawled.


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter Three!_

Learning to ride a broom was less than pleasant. Well, Yuugi thought it was. When they were supposed to say 'up,' his broom did come up, but Yuugi hadn't listened to the instructions correctly. He was supposed to have his hand outstretched to catch the broom. Instead, it went up and struck him in the face, making him fall flat on his back. Bakura crowed with laughter, along with his two pals. He had managed to get the broom up. Then came the part when they got ON the broom. Ryou went zooming away, crashing into some of his fellow students. They ended up going to the hospital wing while Ryou was shaking off the dizziness. And, of course, Bakura had to pick a fight with Yuugi.

"See this, shorty?" Bakura asked, holding up a round acorn.

"...Yes..." Yuugi whimpered. Jou yawned, watching the scene in a bored manner while Anzu stood tense beside him.

"Well, you see...this...is going to end up shoved in your ass if you don't stop crying over every little – WHAT DID I SAY?" He demanded as Yuugi burst into tears. "Damn, do I hate you." He shoved Yuugi to the ground and a small globe that Anzu had given him as a gift tumbled out. "Eh?"

"Hey!" Yuugi lurched to his feet as Bakura picked it up. "Give it back!"

"No!" Bakura replied, hopping on his broom. Yuugi stumbled onto his and followed Bakura. "Fetch." He threw it and Anzu and Jou gasped as Yuugi went hurtling after it.

"Gah!" Jou clutched his hair. "He's going to get expelled if anyone sees him flying like dat!"

"(OO) No kidding! What's he thinking?" Anzu demanded, looking to Jou, who released his hair.

"Well, I dink it's obvious he's not dinking at all, Anzu."

"(-.-)..."

And because Yuugi had caught his present in front of Mai Kujaku's window, she had flounced out in all her glory and made him team seeker...which made him cry. Because the more time he spent with Quidditch, the less time he had with Anzu. He was developing a heavy crush on her, apparently.

Well, Yuugi wasn't the only one. During a Potions class, Anzu accidentally spilled a potion all over one of the Slytherins (and Kaiba was the Head of that House.) Quite surprisingly, instead of blowing up on Anzu, Kaiba just sent the student to the hospital wing and then docked points for no specific reason. Anzu had blushed a pretty color, which Jou noticed and had sneered at...and Yuugi had been completely oblivious of because his potion wasn't going so well.

X

"Man, I love Halloween," Jou purred. "I love it, love it, love it! It's da best ding ever, you know dat? Man, do I _love_ Halloween! Da spooks, da ghouls – "

"HEY!" One of the ghosts said indignantly.

" – and da FOOD! Dear Lord, da FOOD!!!" Jou beamed down at the table.

"Say, where do you suppose Anzu is?" Yuugi asked thoughtfully.

"Who cares? Look at da FOOD!"

"But I miss her..." Yuugi whined, sniffing.

"Huh..." Jou looked up at the staff table as he stuffed his face. He swallowed and remarked, "Looks like Kaiba's gone, too. You know what dat means. Dose two are getting it on."

"Hahaha," Yuugi laughed, clapping Jou on the back. "You're so funny! That's ridiculous! What gives you _that_ stupid idea?" Ryou and Jou exchanged a look. Bakura, who was walking by, snorted, "Moron." Yuugi's eyes tore up, but he didn't cry for once.

"Wonder what they're doing..." Ryou said thoughtfully.

(With Kaiba and Anzu)

"...You got any two's?" Anzu asked.

"Go Fish."

"Darn." She sighed. "You wanna do something else?" Kaiba glared at her.

"Because I'm winning, huh?"

"(o.o) No..."

"Sore loser."

"(x.x) Really, that isn't it." (Man, is Kaiba dense or what?) She set down her cards and moved over to him, saying, "I mean, we're all alone now and there's no one to stop us from our desires."

"...And?" She grabbed his cards and tossed them over her shoulder. "(o.o)..." Surprisingly, a light bulb turned on in Kaiba's head and a slow, seductive smirk slid on his lips. "I comprehend."

"About time," she grumbled just before his mouth came crashing down on hers.

(Back with Ryou, Jou, and Yuugi)

"Well, certainly nothing naughty," Yuugi chirped in answer to Ryou's spoken thought. "I mean, he's a _professor_. He knows better than to do that."

"Right..." Jou raised his eyebrows at him.

Then, suddenly, Honda Hiroto, the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher came running in. "Ohmygod, you won't believe this! There's a TROLL in the dungeons!"

Chaos then broke out, everyone running and screaming. The teachers hurried away and the prefects shoved the students to their dormitories.

"Wait a minute, chaps!" Ryou said, halting. "What of Anzu? She's in the dungeons!"

"She's _not_ in the dungeons!" Yuugi fumed.

"Yeah, she is!" Jou retorted. "Let's go! Ryou, Yuugi, and Jounouchi to da rescue!" Ryou and Jou ran towards the dungeons and stomping his feet angrily for a moment, Yuugi then followed.

Unfortunately for Kaiba and Anzu, they were in the middle of something very intimate when the three burst in. Anzu jumped in surprise as the door banged open. Yuugi stared, then fainted on the spot.

"Damn it, what the hell are you idiots doing here?" Kaiba snapped as Anzu covered herself, her face red.

"I told you," Jou informed Ryou smugly.

"I never said you were wrong, chap," Ryou replied.

"GET OUT!" Kaiba roared at them, stumbling as he dressed.

"Well, don't you dink you should know dat dere's a troll hanging around?" Jou asked in puzzlement. Anzu crawled to behind the desk, quickly dressing and then popping up a moment later, fixing her disheveled hair. Kaiba pulled his cloak on and stormed over to Jou, shaking him angrily.

"I wouldn't have cared if the Dark Lord came in here! I was doing something very important!" Yuugi woke up, rubbing his head.

"(OO) You were having sex with Anzu! How is dat important?" Jou asked in confusion. Yuugi then fainted again at hearing the truth spoken.

"Jounouchi Katsuya, you'd better not say a word of this to anyone!" Anzu warned. "I'll tell everyone how you slapped Professor Kujaku's butt on the way out of class!"

"Hey, hey, no need to go to extreme measures like dat!" Jou hastily said, still grasped by Kaiba. "But still...You sleeping with Kaiba is a _little_ more intense."

"I haven't even slept with him yet!" Anzu fumed.

"YET!" Kaiba released him and Jou tumbled to the ground. "Jerk."

"I _can_ expel you, you know," Kaiba reminded him, coolly staring down at him. "Just because I've got the hots for your friend doesn't mean that I'm not still a teacher." Jou cringed as Kaiba kissed Anzu.

"Ugh."

THUMP

"That's the third time," Ryou remarked, looking at Yuugi. "This has got to be unhealthy."

In the end, Kaiba took care of the troll swiftly and soundly – with the help of Jou, an awake Yuugi, and Anzu. Ryou quivered beneath the desk.

X

During Christmas, Anzu had disappeared again when they expected to see her. Yuugi had gotten an invisibility cloak from some unknown person. He wasn't sure what use it would do for him, but he accepted it anyway. He never got presents at Christmas anyways because Rex was a jackass...And because he and Shizuka normally went in debt from giving Mokuba a bunch of presents.

X

That night, he decided to go out with the invisibility cloak – just for the fun of it. He happily skipped down the hallways and then heard someone behind him. He hurried to the side to see Anzu jogging down the stairs. He sniffled, guessing that she was going to see Kaiba. Still very much heart-broken, he toddled off and found the Mirror of Erised. He saw his parents and wondered why they looked so funny. _Is that why I look funny? _He thought tearfully.

He sat in front of the mirror for a long time, before he heard a clearing of the throat. He jumped up, turning to see the Headmaster, Yami. "You are one rude kid, you know that?" Yami demanded, his eyes narrowed.

"Uh...uh...Anzu Mazaki's sleeping with Kaiba!" Yuugi burst out.

"Huh?" Yami stared at him blankly. "Wait...WHAT?" Yami crossed his arms over his chest, glaring. "Mazaki and Kaiba...Hm. Well, this is a first! He's never gone after a student! Must be a good piece of ass – is she?" Yuugi nodded. "Well, no wonder then. Anyway, as I was saying – how dare you go right past me like you did and not even say hello!"

"(oO) I went past you?"

"Well, DUH." Yami rolled his eyes. "I'd heard you were stupid, but _honestly!_" Yuugi rubbed the back of his head nervously.

"Er, sorry."

"Anyway, GO BACK TO BED! And don't come here! You're parents aren't alive, and yes you ended up looking funny because of them. This mirror won't be here for long, so there."

"...Will you be my daddy?" Yuugi cried, launching himself at Yami's feet.

"Get off! Offfff!" Yami finally kicked him away, gasping for breath.

"...My head hurts," Yuugi moaned, rubbing his head where Yami had kicked him multiple times.

"It'd better," Yami grumbled. "Listen, I gotta go and if that idiot Otogi says anything about the Sorceror's Stone – well, don't listen to him."

"(o.o)..."

"...Man am I stupid," Yami muttered, leaving.

X

"What's the Sorceror's Stone?" Yuugi asked Otogi, sitting in his hut with Anzu and Jou.

"A very powerful object that we have locked up in the castle," Otogi told him bluntly. "Jesus, why are you so nosy?"

"Because I want to be like Superman!" Yuugi declared.

"I should kill you for being so stupid."

"I should kiss you for having such nice leather pants," Anzu remarked, looking at Otogi's pants curiously. "Those would look nice on Seto."

_Seto? _The three males mouthed in disgust.

"Well, you can't tell anyone I have these," Otogi said, putting a finger to his mouth. "The truth is that they're made of dragon hide. Watch this!" He stood up. "Someone slap my ass!"

(O.O...)

"Come on, don't be shy!" He urged. "It's really cool." The two males inched away and Anzu sweat dropped, before slapping his ass. The pants let out a pretty shimmer.

"Ooh!" The three cooed, moving in closer to look – which was rather odd.

"Yup," Otogi said proudly, nodding. "It's something else, isn't it?"

"It's so pretty!" Yuugi squealed.

"Yeah...I have to work out a lot so that my butt's so sexy."

(sweat drop)

"I was...talking about the pants."

"Oh. Yeah, those are cool, too."

"Hey!" Anzu exclaimed. "Someone was just at the window!"

"(OO) NO!" Otogi ripped off his pants – to the dismay of Jou and Yuugi – and put on his regular leather pants.

"It was Bakura!" Jou growled, peering out the door at the retreating figure. "Let's go!" Anzu and Yuugi followed him to the castle. As soon as they got there, Mai Kujaku was reaming their asses and a reluctant Seto Kaiba was there as well, having to deal with Bakura. Anzu, to make Kaiba feel bad for agreeing with Mai that giving them detention would be wise, burst into tears. Kaiba grimaced, looking uncomfortable. Mai almost grimaced at the glare she was receiving from Jou. Yuugi and Bakura exchanged a look. So, Jou was getting it on with a teacher as well!


	4. Chapter 4

(Detention)

"I hate this place," Bakura growled to Yuugi as they wandered through the forest. "I hate _you_. I hate the teachers and what's more, I hate _you!_"

"...You're mean," Yuugi sniffled, pouting.

"Shut up, wimp!"

"You shut up! You're being mean to me, meany!"

"THAT'S RIGHT! I'M A BASTARD!" Bakura roared, cackling. "NOW SHUT UP OR I'LL BLAST YOU TO THE NEXT CENTURY!"

(Silence)

"So..." Bakura said while Yuugi sobbed. "What's up?" Yuugi bawled even harder. _He's so annoying, _Bakura thought irritably. He frowned as he saw a figure feeding on a dead unicorn. "Right, uh, you deal with him, little Yuugi!" And he was off before you could say 'Hogwarts.' Yuugi looked to see the man and squealed, hurrying after Bakura, tripping and falling many times. When he looked back, no one was there.

"Psst!" He jumped and saw that Bakura had hid behind a bush. "He gone?"

"YOU'RE SO MEAN TO ME!"

"Yup."

X

Seto Kaiba was lounging in his office when the door burst open. Oh, boy, he knew what was coming. He expected it after he had agreed with Mai Kujaku about the whole 'detention' thing. Well, he wanted that ass, Bakura, to get what he deserved. It sucked that he ended up screwing himself over in the process. "Oh, Seto!" Anzu cried, running in and into his arms. "It's horrible!"

_...Women! _He thought irritably. "What?" He asked.

"Someone's trying to steal the Sorceror's Stone."

"Oh." Pause. "Wait, how the hell do you know about that?"

"Otogi told us."

_That moron!_ "Right. So what of it?"

"You have to help us!"

"Us?"

"Well, of course. Jou, Yuugi, and myself." 

"...I'll help another time."

"But what about the three-headed dog?" She and her two friends accidentally had run into it when they were looking for a bathroom for her.

"Right. As I said – "

"At least tell me what to do with it!"

"Kill it."

"Other than that?"

"Music," he replied. "Puts it right to sleep."

"Oh. Well, that does sound logical, I suppose."

"Yes. So, you're not mad at me, I take it?" Kaiba asked carefully.

"Oh, I'm mad," she assured. "In fact, I'm livid, which is why I'm going to ask you to engage in an extremely intimate act with me." He perked up.

"Indeed?"

"I want to be on top." 

_Damn it! _"...Alright..." She beamed.

"Great!"

X

Jou swallowed, staring around wildly. _Man, dis is what I get for hanging around a psycho chick that sleeps with Kaiba and a legend. _"Can we wait 'till tomorrow to do dis, you guys?" He whimpered to Anzu and Yuugi, who looked at him blankly. "I mean, I gotta...gotta...get prepared for stuff like dis." His lower lip trembled as he stared at them with huge puppy dog eyes. Anzu scowled while Yuugi looked totally befuddled.

"You really need to get ready, Jou?" Yuugi asked curiously, rubbing the back of his neck. 

"Y-yeah!" Jou was quick to lie. Anzu slapped him. "Ow! What was dat for, Mazaki?" 

"Don't lie to us, Jounouchi! You just want to go disappear and leave it up to us." She sighed, clasping her hands. "I'll have to go seduce help from my lover."

(oO...)

"Eh...Neva mind, den," Jou grumbled, giving a disgusted look. He didn't want Kaiba to molest Anzu in front of Yuugi. Who knew what the smaller boy would do if he saw something like that. The three turned and Anzu let out a strangled sound seeing Ryou in front of them, his huge eyes glowing in the dark, his hair sticking out strangely. "GAH! You scared da hell out of us, Ryou!" Jou clutched at where his heart was, shaking faintly. Yuugi, Mr. Clueless, just smiled at Ryou, having not been frightened out of his wits like the others.

"Hi, Ryou," Yuugi greeted with a large smile. Ryou blinked and turned to look at Yuugi. He smiled.

"Hi." There were apparently two Mr. Clueless's. "Um, listen you guys...I can't let you go like this. It's just...Well...It's wrong. It's against the rules! You just can't do it!" He grabbed Yuugi, tears streaming down his cheeks. "I CAN'T HAVE ANYONE RAPING ME UP THE BUTT BECAUSE I LET YOU GO!" 

(OO)

"What if we made it look like Jou raped you?" Anzu suggested, grabbing Jou and smiling at Ryou. Ryou sniffed.

"No, but thank you, Anzu." 

"Your welcome." She sighed. "Okay, Ryou. We really have to go."

"I can't let you!"

"_Ryou_, we REALLY have to go!" 

"I CAN'T." 

"Sorry, Ryou." She went into ninja stance and karate-chopped him, knocking him out. 

"Anzu!" Yuugi gasped. "(OO) You killed him!"

"(o.o) I'm staying da hell away from her," Jou muttered to Yuugi, who nodded.

"I didn't kill him!" Anzu assured, glaring at them. "So hush! Now...let's go!"

X

Jou quivered as Anzu and Yuugi crept inside. 

Sssss….

"(OO)..." _Aw, dammit, I thought I took care of dat problem..._ He grimaced in his wet pants. "Hey, um, I need ta pee."

"Too bad," Anzu whispered, creeping inside and shutting the door. The big dog growled at them. "Okay, guys, stand back. I'll take care of this."

"Gee, Anzu sure is pretty when she's brave," Yuugi sighed, batting his eyelashes. Jou gave him a disgusted look. Yuugi blinked suddenly. "(sniff, sniff) Umm...(o.o) I think I peed my pants."

"Yeah, um, probably, hehehe..." 

"A DOOOO, A DEAARR, A FEMALE DEAR!" 

(O.O'') 

Okay, well, that proves that Anzu CANNOT sing.

"RAARRR!" The dog passed out from the horrible singing. Anzu continued to sing, smiling as she did, apparently thinking that she COULD sing.

"...MI, A NAME...I CALLLL MYSELF! FAAAA, A LONG WAY TO RUN!" 

"ANZU! WOULD YA SHUT UP ALREADY?" She blinked and glanced at Jou who was holding his hands over his ears. Yuugi was whimpering on the ground.

"I think it's happening again! I'm being possessed! Oh, Lordy, Lordy..."

(x.X)...

"Yuugi, you're not Christian," Jou said with a scratch of his head.

"I'm hurting real bad! My ears! My ears are bleedin'!" Anzu glared at them both and then stomped over to the trap door.

"I'm going now!" She announced.

"Nah, your ears are fine," Jou assured, totally oblivious to Anzu who was preparing to throw herself into danger.

"Right about now!" She said again.

"Are you sure? They hurt, Jounouchi! I think I'm dying!" Yuugi whined.

"I'm jumping in!"

"I thought you were being possessed by Satan?"

"Here I go!" Anzu turned, poised to jump into the trap door.

"But I'm not Christian."

"I'm GOING."

"Eh? But...?"

"I SAID – " The dog scowled and opened an eye, pushing her in and then passing out again.

"Oh-my-gosh!" Yuugi gasped, leaping to his feet as Anzu screamed.

"What?" Jou asked, getting to his feet quickly, as well. For a moment, they were silent while Anzu yelled from below the trap door.

"I just remembered that I forgot to organize my socks today!" He collapsed on the ground, covering his face in a dramatic, feminine gesture and started to cry...And when that's said, it means REALLY cry. "WHY ME?"

"(o.o) Hey, um, where's Anzu?"

"(oO) I don't have a sock called Anzu, Jou."

"(x.x) Well, dat's all fine and dandy, but we gotta go find ANZU. Ya know, dat chick you're obsessed with who's bonkin' Kaiba?" Yuugi stared at him blankly and then flushed angrily.

"Kaiba's a meany. Just like stupid Bakura."

"Okay..." _Dat didn't sound childish at all, _Jou sarcastically added. "Well, let's go jump in dat conspicuous trap door dat could take us to our death and probably make us suffer in the darkest pit of da Underworld." The funny thing about that sentence was that Jou didn't even realize that it was the truth or that he really said it.

"Okey-dokey!" Yuugi ran, tripped, and fell down through the trap door. Jou rubbed the back of his head, shrugged, and tried to mimic Yuugi, but only managed to fall flat on his face. Flinching, he crawled to the trap door and fell through.

_About goddamned time, _the dog thought irritably, shutting the trap door.

"Oh, my!" Anzu gasped, "I can't see!"

"Eeek! Darkness!" Yuugi screeched. "Help me! Someone! (sniffle) I'm AFRAID of the dark!"

"Yeah, me too!" Jou whimpered.

"(--) (sigh) It's fine, we're in a pit of noodles anyway," Anzu grumbled.

"(OoO) NOODLES?" Jou crowed. "WHY WOULD SOMEONE WASTE FOOD LIKE THAT?" Anzu blinked as she heard him bawling. "The inhumanity!"

"Say, what's this pokey thing, I wonder?" Yuugi thought aloud. He reached out, not knowing that Jou was right beside him, and pulled hard.

"GAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Jou shrieked, shoving Yuugi away and gasping in pain. "HOLY SHIT ON A SANDWICH!"

_(o.o) Somehow I have the feeling that Jou got too excited and Yuugi pulled on his willy. Owchies. Poor Jounouchi, _Anzu thought, wincing. She swam around for awhile and then pulled out her wand. "Light-O Seseme!" The room was filled with her wand's light and she continued to swim around until she found a door. "Come on, gang!"

"Anzu," Jou wheezed, "just because I'm in pain doesn't mean you can go around sayin' 'gang' alright? We're not playin' detectives with Scooby Doo – AND I WOULD BE FRED, NOT YOU!"

"(-.-) Just...shut up, Jounouchi, shut up."

"Make me!" He challenged.

"I'LL SHOVE MY WAND UP YOUR ASS, TWIST IT, AND FORCE YOU TO START MOANING OUT RYOU'S NAME!"

"(OoO'')…Um...Sh-shall we go?" 

Anzu smiled. "Yes, let's."

Yuugi sniffled. "Yuugi's being ignored by the love of his life again..."

"(x.x) I'll...pretend I didn't hear that..."

The gang swam to the door and when Anzu opened it, they burst into a playpen of plastic balls.

"(OoO) Oh my GOD!" They stared at the evil clown that was hanging from the ceiling.

"Eh...D'ya guys dink dat maybe he was part of dis ding?" Jou asked, scratching his head thoughtfully. Well, Anzu was gawking at it and Yuugi was scared for his life and bawling his eyes out.

"WAAAAHHH! IT'S SCARY! WAAAAHH!" 

(-.-)

Jou threw a ball at Yuugi and he choked on it. 

"JOU!" Anzu gasped. "He's the MAIN CHARACTER! He's dying! Hurry and save him!"

"Aw, man..." Jou stumbled over to Yuugi who was choking on the ball and did the Heimlich maneuver on him and the ball went flying towards Anzu and knocked her out. "(o.o) Umm...Well, it was her fault for having me save him anyway." He nodded to himself, satisfied with his logic.

"(cough, cough) Jou, why did you throw a ball in my throat?" Yuugi whined, rubbing his throat and giving Jou a teary look.

"(x.x) Look, man, I don't wanna talk about it." 

"(OO) O-okay..." _I didn't know Jou drifted that way! Eek!_

X

Well, somehow the three managed to find the chess board after many incidents. All three of them looked like shit and basically were sick and tired of trying to save the world. "WHY DOESN'T DA FRICKIN' WORLD SAVE ITSELF, EH?" Jou had angrily crowed at one point. Anzu and Yuugi had been too tired and beat to answer.

"What's this place?" Anzu questioned thoughtfully as they entered the dark room with the chess pieces.

"Meh, who cares?"

"WAIT!" Yuugi whispered. "Listen..." Both of them listened and were able to hear voices.

"...By George, old chap, how dare you make an illegal move?"

"An illegal move! Why, you bloody Brit, you don't know what you're talking about!"

"I bloody well do!"

"You bloody well do not!"

"Do you want to feel the wrath of my anus?"

"I want not to feel such a lewd thing! You will feel the wrath of my own anus!" 

(x,x)...

"Um, let's sneak past while they're occupied," Anzu whispered. The other two nodded. They hurried away and went through the door, hearing, "I say! I think that door opened!"

And the response of, "Don't try and change the subject!"

As the three crept down the stairs, Jou started humming the Pink Panther theme music, making weird shadows on the walls with his hands. After a moment of this, Anzu kicked him down the stairs and he let out a squawk, sliding down the stairs. Anzu and Yuugi heard him howl out as two bodies fell. Running quickly to their friend, they discovered he had fallen upon Professor Honda Hiroto.

"OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!" Yuugi shrieked, his hands flying to his mouth in a feminine manner. "It's...it's HIDEOUS!" 

Honda pouted. "Well, you look like horse shit yourself," he informed him.

"(o.O) Wait a minute..." Jou said, scratching his head as he got to his feet. "I thought all dis evil stuff goin' on was He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's doin'. You tryin' to tell me dat _you _actually did all of dis?"

"Yes. I'm evil," Honda told him, giving a proud grin.

He eyed Honda and shook his head. "Nah, I don't believe it, man."

"I _am!_ Really, I'm evil! Watch this!" He turned to Anzu and slapped her ass.

"Eek! Pervert!" She swung, but instead of hitting Honda, she hit Yuugi who collapsed in a heap on the floor. "Oops...Sorry, Yuugi."

"Wow. I was hit by the love of my life!" He exclaimed happily from the floor. "This must be a dream come true!"

"(oO) He must be dinking of kinky stuff," Jou muttered before turning back to Honda. "And dat ain't evil! Dat's just plain stupid. Everyone knows dat Anzu doesn't allow no one to touch her like dat but – Um...But that one guy whose name I forgot...Hehehe..." He gave a nervous smile as Anzu glared at him warningly. Honda's cheeks went red.

"YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS TO BECOME EVIL! FOR FUCK'S SAKE, MAN, I HAVE A GODDAMNED WIERDO ON THE BACK OF MY HEAD WHO MAKES ME LOOK UGLIER THAN I ACTUALLY AM! WHEN I SCREW A PROSTITUTE, HE'S MAKING SMARTASS COMMENTS FROM THE BACK OF MY HEAD!" He then took of his turban – which really looked bad on him and turned to show them the back of his head that had a twisted, mottled, ugly face that must be HWMNBN (as Yuugi would put it.) 

"...Um." Yuugi frowned up at the face. "HWMNBN is black?" 

"What, you racist?" The face snarled. Honda was sobbing on the other end of the head. All of this was way too freaky for them. "I'll show you, you racist son-of-a-bitch!" He spit in Yuugi's eyes and smoke rose from Yuugi's tightly clenched eyes.

"AIII, I'M GOING BLIND!"

Anzu and Jou were looking like this: (OoO'')

"NO ONE DOES DAT TO MY FRIEND AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!" Jou declared, throwing his leg out in a kick, but kicking Yuugi instead and knocking him out. "Oh...oops."

X

Yuugi woke up in the infirmary, blinking as he looked around and spotted Yami eating the only candy he had gotten as a gift. He spit out the candy, which was from Bakura, snarling, "It tastes like ass, goddamn it!"

"Um," Yuugi spoke up uncertainly, "did I save the world?" Yami blinked and turned to him as he tossed the candy over his shoulder.

"Ha, ha, ha – No, you idiot." Yami frowned. "You just stood around and cried and then laid there. If Honda hadn't been so mentally disabled in the first place and had no self-esteem, your friends wouldn't have been able to harass him to suicide."

"Oh...Well, maybe next time I can save the world!"

"The only thing you'll be saving is your virginity, shrimp. Hahahaha! Ah, that's funny..." Yami sighed and got up and left Yuugi teary-eyed and mumbling, "Meany..."

X

_Well, _Yuugi cheerfully thought as he skipped to the train, _it sure has been an adventure at Hogwarts! I wonder what next year will bring!_

"HEY YOU LITTLE BRAT!" Otogi yelled, waving his fists in the air as he ran after Yuugi. "YOU OWE ME MONEY! DON'T YOU DARE GET IN THAT TRAIN!" Yuugi got in the train. "YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF – " Kaiba and Mai grabbed Otogi and dragged him away as he screamed, "I'LL GET YOU, YUUGI MUTOU! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!"

Yuugi blinked and turned his head in confusion. "Huh? I thought I heard someone say my name? Oh, well." Then a trunk fell on him.

"Oh, geez, mate, I'm right sorry," Ryou gasped, pulling the trunk off him. "I'm always being such a ditz." He laughed and knocked himself on the forehead while Yuugi stared at him uneasily.

_There's something weird about Ryou...He's weirder than ME!_ "Aw, gee, that's okay, Ryou! After all, we're friends."

"Oh..." Ryou dropped the trunk on him again and when he dragged it off, he asked, "Are we still friends?"

"(cough) Yeah..."

BANG.

"Are we friends now?"

"(bleeding) Y-yeah..."

BANG.

"How about now, Yuugi?"

"...Um...I'm starting to think we're not, Ryou."

"Oh, well that's sad," was all Ryou said before putting his trunk up and practically skipping away. Yuugi limped to a compartment where Jou and Anzu were sitting, with the female of their group sighing dismally since she couldn't see her "precious Seto" throughout the summer.

"Sure will be lonely without him," she remarked idly.

"Eh, forget about him, Anzu," Jou dismissed. He punched an already beaten up Yuugi on the shoulder, chirping, "Ya always got Yuugi here!" She turned and stared at Yuugi with his black eyes and bloody nose. He smiled, one of his teeth dropping onto the floor. Her face twisted uncomfortably.

"Um, yeah...Never mind, I can wait through the summer," she hastily said. Jou looked puzzled, but said nothing in response. 

When they got to the train station and disembarked and were in the muggle world, Jou asked, "Hey, Yuugi, how'd you get all beat up?"

"By being someone's friend..." Yuugi mumbled in depression. Jou blinked and glared.

"You joshin' me?"

"(o.o) Huh? No, I don't think so..." 

"Oh, okay. Well, see ya next year, Yug!"

"Yeah, bye..." 

Rex was waiting impatiently and was about to drive off when Shizuka stopped him, pointing at Yuugi. "Aw, shit, I was hoping the little runt got run over by a train or something."

"(-.-) Rex, he LOOKS like he got run over by a train."

"He's still alive, though isn't he?" He sighed. "Wish he could just stay there forever...Maybe Mokuba and Shizuka could go, too. Ahh...My fantasy life!" Yuugi climbed in after putting his trunk in the back of the car, sitting beside a slumbering Mokuba. "Well, how long do we have to put up with you?"

"Umm, the whole summer?" Yuugi answered in confusion.

"Aw, for God's sake..."

_FIN!_

X

DIS: After they met the dog, everything went downhill from there because I lost inspiration, so sorry that the ending part was kind of sucky. Please leave a review on your way out! I'd love it bunches! Ciao!


End file.
